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Today Was Hard: Confessions of A Single Mom

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Today was hard.

Today I doubted my strength. Today I questioned my abilities. Today I wondered if I was enough. Today I almost gave up.

Today was hard. Today I doubted my strength. Today I questioned my abilities. Today I wondered if I was enough. Today I almost gave up. Click To Tweet

Hardship is not an uncommon occurrence in a single mom’s life. The long days and late nights are a testament to the difficulties of raising children by yourself.

But today was hard.

I always try to showcase my life in a positive light. Sharing the happy moments, encouraging quotes, and motivational YouTube videos in an attempt to hide the ugly side of this role. In hopes that the light I shine is bright enough to cover the darkness that overwhelms me on days like today.

Today I came home at 5 am after working an exhausting 8-hour shift to find the TV broken because Hodari hit it with a toy. Another expense to cover. I scrambled to get some food and shower before going down for a quick nap. The boys were up at 6 am so I warmed up some milk for them and put them back to sleep.

At 9 am, the boys wake up and demand attention immediately so I begrudgingly get out of bed to prepare their breakfast and get them ready for the day. They play around the apartment, avoiding the play area I built for them while making a mess of everything else.

Tired, I take care of a few things around the house and put them down for their nap at 1 pm after lunch. I try to nap as well but I can’t out of exhaustion. How is it possible to be incredibly exhausted and yet unable to rest? So instead, I work on my blog until they wake up at three… I make some snacks for them and they play around again.

At 4:30 pm I get them ready for a nap and amidst washing his hands, Hodari grabs a whisk from the sink and it snags at his finger, causing it to bleed. And he starts to cry. I don’t have bandaid in the house and I ran out of baby medicine so I do my best to soothe him. He quiets down. I take Milambu, wash his hands, and place them in the bed.

They both sleep after a while.

I lay down for a nap as well and wake up at 6 pm to Milambu screaming. I grab him and console him. A few moments later, Hodari starts crying.

I’m tired. I barely got enough rest. I am worn out. I don’t have much to give.

I do my best to calm them down but they won’t be consoled. I change their diapers, give them some milk, sing to them, rock them, let them play with my phone but nothing works.

I have to make dinner. My grandpa died a few days ago and we are supposed to meet at my parents’ house to watch the funeral that’s happening in Kenya but the boy’s wont stop crying and I am tired.

So I sit there with them on my arms and I start to cry because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do this. If I can’t console them who will? If my voice doesn’t bring them assurance, whose will? If my presence and my calming tone don’t show them that I am all they need, what will?

But I have done this before. I have done this a million times and each time I was able to do away with the tears and revive the smiles and giggles they freely give. Each time I was able to find a solution. But today I am exhausted.

Today I wish there was someone else who could shoulder this burden and take some weight off my shoulders. Today I wish there was a pill I could swallow that would strengthen me and allow me to take care of my boys the way I want to.

Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine. – Jack Ma Click To Tweet

But there isn’t so I forge on.

I have learned to allow my boys to calm down and give myself the space if I need it so I place them in their cribs where they are safe, I turn on a soothing lulluby and step aside.

I allow them to calm down and once I hear their giggles, I go and grab them. Sadly I have to tell my parents I can’t make it to the get-together and I know that I have disappointed them.

But my boys are no longer crying and I am in a better state so I pack them up and we head to Walmart for a bandaid and baby medicine.

I am strong enough to handle this. And on days like today, I have to remember that I am enough.

Related:   What It’s Like Going Through Pregnancy Alone

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