The end of a relationship is usually hard to get over. It is usually the thought that you won’t see that person like you used to or have access to them like you used to that sends ripples of pain through your heart. It doesn’t get any easier when you have children with the individual. A situation that could have been easy to overcome is now filled with the constant reminder of what you lost or what you don’t want in your life. And as you continue to see this person during your drop-offs, you wonder “how do I get over my ex when I have kids with him/her?” “How do I overcome the anger and bitterness I feel towards this person who causes me pain?”
To be honest with you, I have struggled with these questions.
I didn’t anticipate being with my ex after our passion led to the conception of our twins. Ours was just the casual hookups that resulted in two beautiful miracles I am forever grateful for. So no, my pain doesn’t come from a broken heart in the sense that I want to be with this man but rather a broken heart for the pain he is causing our kids. A trace of bitterness and anger towards the lack of interaction, the lack of support, the entitled mentality, and the inability to recognize the damage he is inflicting.
My heart breaks for my kids because my ex is in their lives one day and not the next. My ex decides he’ll support them this week and not the next so I struggle to support our kids while he enjoys himself and lives without responsibility. This pain is scratched raw every time I interact with him; every day he doesn’t pick up the phone to check on them; every day that passes and they miss out on that relationship they could have with their father.
And to be very honest with you, I have hated him for this. I have hated him for the pain that our kids don’t know of yet. I have hated him for the years that they’ll have to go through this because people don’t change. He won’t change. And as he refuses to change, I continue to struggle to provide and our kids continue to grow without their father.
So how do you get over your ex when you have kids together? How do you move on knowing that this person may be in your kids’ life and you have to interact with them? How do you live without bitterness and anger towards someone who is causing you pain but refuses to acknowledge his actions?
Below I have listed some actions you can take to move on. Actions that have helped me learn to be okay with the events that have taken place.
How To Get Over Your Ex When You Have A Child Together
Allow Yourself To Grieve and Heal
The pain you may have experienced from the breakup needs to be addressed. You can’t sweep it under the rug and pretend that all is well. Don’t drown in icecream and Netflix shows but do allow yourself to grieve for the loss you feel. And then allow yourself to heal. The healing process is different for everyone so take the time you need to get over the previous situation.
Forgive and Let Go
This one is, and has always been, HARD. Forgiving someone is really hard. It’s even harder when that person doesn’t recognize that they’ve wronged you and doesn’t show any remorse for the pain they may have caused you. But it is freeing to forgive. To let go of the pain and hurt that person inflicted on you and decide to move on without the apology. Don’t seek closure because you will not get it. Let it go.
So how do you forgive? You understand that you’ve been forgiven and you were forgiven so many times that it’s only right for you to forgive others as well. Forgiveness is something that has to be given freely because when we make mistakes, we hope for the same.
The person who wronged you may not understand that they did wrong and even if they do and still refuse to acknowledge their mistake, that’s on them. Thats their mistake. You can’t control what they do or don’t. You can only control yourself and your reactions to the situation so choose to forgive because that is the person you are.
Stop Looking For Closure
There is no such thing as closure and you won’t get it no matter how many times you ask for it or seek it, so stop. Stop trying to understand why this person acted a certain way towards you. Stop trying to make him/her understand that they caused you pain and that they need to apologize. It does you no good to focus on that. The best you can do is forgive them, even when they don’t ask for forgiveness, and move on.
Let’s be honest, it would be so much easier to get over your ex if you didn’t have to see them again. However, having kids complicates things especially if you plan on co-parenting. So how do you move on when you’ll be seeing them a lot? How do you have a co-parenting relationship with someone who has hurt you in the past? You set boundaries.
Boundaries are really important especially when you are trying to get over your ex. It is good to establish them from the start so as to avoid any confusion. Have a clear parenting plan in place that will dictate how you interact and the way you handle decisions that affect the kids. Limit conversations to only those pertaining to your children and do not engage in any physical intimacy no matter the temptation.
Move On and Be Happy For Them
It’s hard to want happiness for someone who has caused you pain. But after you forgive and let go, the best way for you to truly move on is to be happy for that person and want the best for them. Truth is, the feelings of bitterness won’t go away just because you said you’ve forgiven them. You have to actively change your thoughts about this person and see them in a better light despite the wrongs they’ve caused you.
Realize that just because it didn’t work out between you two doesn’t mean that that person can’t have a good relationship with someone else. It may have just been that you two weren’t meant for each other and that’s ok. So be happy for them when they get new relationships because yours is coming.
Hold Off On Anymore Relationships
When someone causes us pain we always look for ways to mitigate it. We want a quick solution that will stop the bleeding and mend the brokenness. And sometimes in our search for healing we run to the arms of others thinking that they will help but that is not the right way. Rebounds don’t heal broken hearts. They result in even more brokenness and confusion.
The only one you should run to is God. He knows the pain you feel and He knows how to mend your heart. As you run to Him, take the time to heal from the previous relationship. Work on yourself and career and focus on your children. Find hobbies you enjoy and do them.
The time after your breakup is a great time for self-discovery. Embrace the aloneness and get comfortable being alone. This is a good time to evaluate what went wrong previously and see how you can change for the better. Don’t waste your time on revenge and trying to make your ex jealous. Focus on you and your children and soon enough, the right man will come along.
I know its hard going through a breakup and its hard when you have kids with someone but you don’t have a good relationship with them because it makes it even harder on you. Truth is, you can’t control their actions. You can only control yourself and what you do. So be the best partner you can be and follow the steps I listed in this post so you can live your life free of bitterness. Your kids love this person so its best for them that you model the right behavior, even when the other party doesn’t reciprocate.
If you are going through a breakup and you are struggling with your emotions, let me know in the comments. I would love to connect with you.
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